I am thankful to have been awarded a Regional Artist Project grant to fund the launch of Living Section Retrospective Of My Fertility as a traveling exhibit. I am thankful for this photograph by my mom for Red and Wet and for a beautiful day dancing in the Florida sand just prior to the grant announcement. There’s also much else hidden within this accomplishment. If you’re curious, read on.

I had found out about this grant when inquiring with the Asheville Arts Council about opportunities to support my daughter in her pursuit of photography. There are several categories and a small amount of funds to distribute among artists in our community. I realized both Sophia and I could apply to our respective areas. Since I’m Sophia’s support in a process of emergence and independence, it was hard for me to see her be excited about this opportunity and yet resist it so hard. She didn’t get the application in. And getting mine in felt almost miraculous. Her challenges at that time, as a mother by her side, consumed me deeply. Once I got the application in, I found out that my blooming flower was not putting herself out there because she was protecting herself from rejection, something she felt she couldn’t handle at that time.

Months later I got invited to an interview. Several weeks later I got awarded the grant. And yet strangely by then I felt robbed of the celebratory moment —a feeling I tried to let go of and could not shed. The grant amount had been reduced from what I needed and requested and the expectation of matching the funds and all else felt a little overwhelming to me at that moment because of other financial challenges and priorities.

And then I noticed that Sophia was basking in what I wanted to enjoy but was struggling to. In an encouraging and excited tone she said “mom you can still do the project, just do a smaller version of it”. Not only did this young woman have wise support for her mother, she also had a revelation. “Oh! I shouldn’t listen to people anymore”, she blurted out several times and was also texting that to others who are close to her: “people have such bad advice”. As I inquired into what that meant, I learned that someone in a conversation had casually mentioned that “grants are impossible to get”. Apparently I was there too and while I don’t remember because that’s one, like the infinite number of comments that dissolve into air, for her that statement was huge and it got lodged in her heart and repeated in her mind over and over again. It locked her up. Zipped her in. Froze her mid process and kept her there until she was able to verbalize why.

And while I tried to snap out of what I was not feeling. While I sat there guilty and confused over my lack of indulgence on the accomplishment, as if by magic she wanted to know of other grants. She was energized with the desire to find them now, not later! Seeing me go through the process, had made it attainable to her. She now knew it is not impossible but that it is possible. It was also at that moment that I emerged out of the dissolution that was clouding the joy I so desperately wanted to feel. And it was then that I understood that, as a mother in this role, this is the biggest and most beautiful acknowledgement of the work that I do.

And as for the rest, as some of you know, I emerged out of the mad sea, wounded. Feet cut up. Small steps. But steps nonetheless and alive. And truly alive because that experience several years ago gave me powerful lessons and analogies that guide me in the biggest creative process we all inhabit — life and living. And as for this grant –a step forward, I’m thankful for recommendations letters on my behalf which were touching to me and gift in themselves. I’m thankful for the professionals who provided quotes and back up materials. I’m thankful for the warm and helpful guidance from the staff at the Arts Council. I’m thankful for the many artists from my community (I was told over twenty of them) who reviewed my work and voted me in for this. What an incredible amount of work by so many people for a small amount of money distributed between several artists seeking support. It sure brings into question, and the reason for my struggle to celebrate —the process of funding visions.

What if serious artists were fully trusted and more funding was available so that the process was more fluid and all who are contributing meaningful, powerful work for humanity and our environment could be supported. What if the process was more fluid and attainable so that all who have the desire, commitment and the passion to explore ideas with potential, are funded! What if the process was more seamless and available so that those visionaries could actually truly focus on that work for which there is so little time?

With this I wish all who read this far a peaceful and celebratory holiday season. I hope I might have inspired someone out there who is afraid, to go for it! I hope I might have inspired someone with funds, to fund freely! Trust. It’s all trust. What if we simply trusted ourselves and others… what big things might we accomplish!

Photos of Living Section Retrospective Of My Fertility

visit Red and Wet launch blog – last year

Interested in hosting Living Section Retrospective Of My Fertility or Red and Wet – contact me!